As Much Ado team, we always try our best to bring you reviews from newest films, coverages from festivals we can barely afford to go and well thought essays that take weeks to write. Right now, you’ll see everyone publishing their top films of 2017, which we plan to do after December 25th. But in the meantime, being the professional young adults we are, we decided to bring you a more important list: Kinkiest of 2017! We can assure you that this list took long discussions and as it happens with any group of mostly LGBT 20-somethings, we came up with a lot of them. But we decided, for our readers’ sake, to do just Top 5!
1. The Shape of Water
Number one wasn’t a hard choice, when the master Guillermo del Toro gives you Academy Award nominee Sally Hawkins filling her bathroom with water to get it on with the fish-daddy (our own nickname for Doug Jones‘s wonderful fish man), you take it. The Shape of Water is one of our favourite films of the year, its masterful visuals, great cast and inspiring story is enough to make it a masterpiece, but one thing about it that also needs mentioning is fish-daddy’s butt. If you’re like us and watched every single interview the cast and crew has done, you’ll know what we’re talking about.We wouldn’t be exaggerating when we say it’s the sexiest butt of the year and we have the great Octavia Spencer to vouch for us here. While I root for Sally Hawkins to snatch another Oscar nomination for one of the best performances of the year, I’m also jealous of her for getting to spend so much time with the most handsome fish we’ve seen. Who could blame Elisa for risking her life to save that glorious butt? Not us. But don’t take our word for it, The Shape of Water is currently in cinemas for you to see that butt.
2. Call Me By Your Name
Call Me By Your Name is one of this year’s most popular films, not only amongst critics but also fans. But the hype of film isn’t something new, if you’re part of “film twitter”, you’ve probably been hearing about the film endlessly since it’s premiere in Sundance. One of the reasons for this was that the film is adapted from a book by the same name and everyone who heard how great the film was at Sundance, rushed to read the book and became a fan of a film that many hadn’t seen yet thus fueling the hype around it. But one of the most talked about parts in book, which gladly made it to the film, was the one where young Elio masturbates using a peach. Even before the film came out, fans started calling themselves “peach warriors”, fan made posters with peaches circled around and peach emoji 🍑 became one of the most used emojis in film twitter circles. The film wonderfully lived up to the peach hype and made it to this list! If you’re wondering about how one masturbates with a peach, ask the director Luca Guadagnino and the lead actor Timothee Chalamet, as they both confessed to trying it before shooting the scene. Or go grab a peach and try yourself, but we take no responsibility of your pleasure, or the lack of it.
One of the most underrated films of the year is Julia Ducournau‘s Raw, a wonderful film about a young girl named Justine, played by the very talented Garance Marillier, who goes through one of the craziest school experience a freshman could (not) hope for. Raw is not an easy film to watch and there is definitely more to it than meets the eye. There isn’t only one scene that makes the film deserving to be on the list, but many. From Justine biting herself while having sex with her friend (seen above), to singing along to a song called “Sluttier than all the sluts” (French name: Plus Putes que toutes les putes) in front of the mirror and kissing her image, Raw is filled with scenes you don’t get to see often in films. Raw is currently streaming on Netflix, so we suggest you grab a vegetarian and give it a go. Once again, we take no responsibility if you can’t get to the chill part of Netflix and Chill.
4. Killing of a Sacred Deer
It’s hard to talk about kinky films, and not include a Yorgos Lanthimos film. Gladly for us, his newest film Killing of a Sacred Deer features a sex scene for all the hopeless romantics out there! Colin Farrell is back ladies and gentleman, and this time, he has a gorgeous beard! But Lanthimos isn’t blessing us with Farrell only, this time he has everyone’s dream wife Nicole Kidman added to the mix. In a scene that will surely make “Most Romantic Sex Scenes of All Time” lists for years to come, Kidman’s character strips down and plays a patient under anaesthesia for her husband. What makes the scene better is that this isn’t a one time thing for the jolly couple but a fantasy they enjoy regularly. But you’ll have to watch the film and see for yourself if Kidman’s efforts save her life.
5. God’s Own Country
One of this year’s most underrated gems was God’s Own Country, also lovingly called the British Brokeback Mountain. The understated but beautiful love story between a Yorkshire farmer and a Romanian migrant worker stole the hearts of many, but it also wasn’t afraid to get down and dirty — quite literally. After spending a few days alone together at a decrepit farmhouse where they have been tasked with birthing lambs (romantic indeed), Johnny and Gheorghe let out all of their pent-up sexual tension by giving each other blowjobs outdoors on the muddy ground. The whole thing plays out in a stunning long shot — their passionate, almost animalistic love-making contrasting beautifully with the serenity of the English countryside in the background. Major props to Gheorghe as well for making Johnny practice safe sex — even when they’re completely covered in mud.
Disclaimer: This list, just as this disclaimer, is not to be taken seriously. We here at Much Ado know kinks come in all (water) shapes and sizes, and that 2017 was a year full of even kinkier films that deserved to be on this list. Feel free to comment below with your favourites or tweet us at @muchadocinema